credit: /r/noMoreAbuse
Hi,
I really wanted to share this, and was not sure if there was a domestic
abuse subreddit. Here and there I have seen posts on twox about people
who are stuck in abusive relationships. Sorry for the length
I recently got out a 5 year long abusive relationship. I grew up in an abusive house, so I suppose it is no shock. I was 18 when I got wit him. At first things were great. I should have noticed the red flags early on (he did not want me to wear short sleeved shirts, that was the first, I thought, OK, if I'm a good partner I will make him comfortable). Little things like this slowly escalated in to a little shove here and there if I made him mad, then verbal abuse (slut/whore/bitch/dumbfuck, bitch was his favorite) like an idiot I wrote all these off to "he has a bad temper, and I set him off". It eventually came to all out physical abuse, hitting, slapping, shoving me into the walls. Threats to kill me. By then I was a few years in to it and my self esteem was so shot I assumed it was all my fault. Sexual abuse. I didn't give it to him when he wanted it, no matter what my mood, our evening would descend in to a night of him yelling at and berating me for being a bitch who always tried to make him mad at me. At first I put up with the fights, later I would just give in, and have sex whenever he wanted. I would just stare at the wall and wait for it to pass. This was the worst part of the relationship, more than the physical and emotional abuse to me.
This may make me sound stupid, but,, I never believed any of this at all was abuse. A lot of this is common in our culture, so I thought, this is not abuse, I thought, how can you draw the line for what is abusive and what is not? Don't all relationships have ups and downs and problems? Nothing is that black and white! I would read descriptions about abusive partners and think "those people sound like bad people, but my SO is just a good guy trapped in a bad situation, so this is not the same thing! Our situation is more complicated than that! This is not abuse!" Furthermore, he DID love me greatly, which made me even more convinced it was not abuse. This made me afraid to leave because I thought, how can I leave a man that loves me? What if they are all wrong about abuse, and everyone is this way, and I will be throwing away the best thing I ever had? But I would fantastise for years, whenever he was in one of his angry moods (which were daily), about what life would be like if I didn't have to deal with it.
Well, finally I got out a few months ago. What finally made me end it was realizing, if I had kids wit him, he would abuse them. Not having to deal with all this is everything I'd hoped it would be all those years. I am finally free. I live my life to the fullest now and am so happy. I have no desires for any relationship now, but maybe one day I will, and when that comes, I will never be so stupid as to cling to a relationship simply because someone loves me. I have learned that someone can love you and not be good for you. Also, I found that once I was out of the relationship, the happiness I felt from being free far outweighed any sadness I felt from missing him, making the moving on very simple. It did not at all hurt like I'd feared it would. I realized I had stupidly made a monster out of a molehill.
Well, I just wanted to say, if you're in an abusive relationship, please don't make the mistake I made and stay for 5 years of your life. I can never get that time back. I lost everything. I do not even know who I am now. I find myself a shell of a person while others my age know who they are. I am just now finding myself. It WILL hurt to end your relationship, but what you're doing now by staying with your partner is like ripping the bandaid slowly off instead of just giving it a tug and dealing with the pain in one second.
You WILL be happier in the long run.
EDIT: Wow, left for a few hours came back to find so many people read my post. Thanks twox!
I recently got out a 5 year long abusive relationship. I grew up in an abusive house, so I suppose it is no shock. I was 18 when I got wit him. At first things were great. I should have noticed the red flags early on (he did not want me to wear short sleeved shirts, that was the first, I thought, OK, if I'm a good partner I will make him comfortable). Little things like this slowly escalated in to a little shove here and there if I made him mad, then verbal abuse (slut/whore/bitch/dumbfuck, bitch was his favorite) like an idiot I wrote all these off to "he has a bad temper, and I set him off". It eventually came to all out physical abuse, hitting, slapping, shoving me into the walls. Threats to kill me. By then I was a few years in to it and my self esteem was so shot I assumed it was all my fault. Sexual abuse. I didn't give it to him when he wanted it, no matter what my mood, our evening would descend in to a night of him yelling at and berating me for being a bitch who always tried to make him mad at me. At first I put up with the fights, later I would just give in, and have sex whenever he wanted. I would just stare at the wall and wait for it to pass. This was the worst part of the relationship, more than the physical and emotional abuse to me.
This may make me sound stupid, but,, I never believed any of this at all was abuse. A lot of this is common in our culture, so I thought, this is not abuse, I thought, how can you draw the line for what is abusive and what is not? Don't all relationships have ups and downs and problems? Nothing is that black and white! I would read descriptions about abusive partners and think "those people sound like bad people, but my SO is just a good guy trapped in a bad situation, so this is not the same thing! Our situation is more complicated than that! This is not abuse!" Furthermore, he DID love me greatly, which made me even more convinced it was not abuse. This made me afraid to leave because I thought, how can I leave a man that loves me? What if they are all wrong about abuse, and everyone is this way, and I will be throwing away the best thing I ever had? But I would fantastise for years, whenever he was in one of his angry moods (which were daily), about what life would be like if I didn't have to deal with it.
Well, finally I got out a few months ago. What finally made me end it was realizing, if I had kids wit him, he would abuse them. Not having to deal with all this is everything I'd hoped it would be all those years. I am finally free. I live my life to the fullest now and am so happy. I have no desires for any relationship now, but maybe one day I will, and when that comes, I will never be so stupid as to cling to a relationship simply because someone loves me. I have learned that someone can love you and not be good for you. Also, I found that once I was out of the relationship, the happiness I felt from being free far outweighed any sadness I felt from missing him, making the moving on very simple. It did not at all hurt like I'd feared it would. I realized I had stupidly made a monster out of a molehill.
Well, I just wanted to say, if you're in an abusive relationship, please don't make the mistake I made and stay for 5 years of your life. I can never get that time back. I lost everything. I do not even know who I am now. I find myself a shell of a person while others my age know who they are. I am just now finding myself. It WILL hurt to end your relationship, but what you're doing now by staying with your partner is like ripping the bandaid slowly off instead of just giving it a tug and dealing with the pain in one second.
You WILL be happier in the long run.
EDIT: Wow, left for a few hours came back to find so many people read my post. Thanks twox!
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